Thursday, February 2, 2012

Living Life as I See Fit

Wow. So this is the new blog huh? Guess it was about time to get my own place. It’s kinda cozy in here.

So, today marks a new beginning for me, in more ways than just a new blog. I hadn’t really planned on it, but 2012 is becoming an incredibly transformative year for me. I’ve been working to take my marriage to new levels of connection, I’ve been working with my boss to improve my work performance, I have new toys to inspire me musically, I’ve got a new blog, and I’m starting to live my life more authentic than I had been. That’s pretty damn awesome!

Of course, you may be asking what about my life was not authentic?

Well, as you may or may not know, I’m transgendered. Specifically, I fall into the category of being a crossdresser, or perhaps just a gender-bender (insert futurama joke here). But, I’m not trying to put myself into a specific box. All that really matters is that I’m a guy, and I like to wear clothing intended for women.

This sets me in a bit of a strange land, mostly for others to accept. What I am doesn’t fall into any box, complete with expectations of gender and sex, which makes people nervous. Many people immediately assume it must mean I’m gay, (which it doesn’t). Many people also assume it means I want to be a woman, (which I don’t, aside from wearing the underwear, which as we discussed is strictly a comfort thing). I come from a place of fashion equality, where nothing is labeled as being for a man or a woman, and it’s all just clothes. Jesus wore a dress, I don’t see why I shouldn’t be allowed to.

Thankfully though, everything has been fairly easy for me so far. I recently talked to my boss, to let her know that I plan to be wearing women’s clothes as part of my normal wardrobe, and she was very supportive. I liked that she basically treated me as though nothing was any different, but still understood there will be challenges to face.

Next, I went around to my closer co-workers, and talked to them one-on-one about the changes which would be happening. For the most part, all were very supportive and happy I could bring something so personal to them. There were quite a few who already have people in their lives who are transgendered or transsexual, so it made it pretty easy. Even my closer guy friends here didn’t seem fazed by it at all. One girl (who I am very close with) asked the typical questions, like if I’m gay, still going to be married, and similar things.

Now, I just finished the process of meeting with everyone on my floor (50-60 in total), and explaining to them the changes. These have been the most nerve racking for me, as I don’t do well with public speaking. I don’t care about people knowing what I plan to do, but for some reason having to talk in front of a group is what gets me.

These meetings have been somewhat interesting. I’m glad the most conservative members of our group were in on the first meeting. My announcement definitely fell to dead ears there, and I’m not sure if they are just shocked, scared, uncomfortable, or something else altogether. Oh well, they are the group who I didn’t like much anyways, so if they never talk to me again, I’ll probably be happier for it.

But after that, the meetings improved quite a bit. My second meeting was very good, and was received much more positively, rather than indifferently. I even had the men telling me that I must have some HUGE balls to do something like this, and got lots of support from them. The women were equally (if not more) supportive of this. Some came over and just asked a few questions (which means a lot to me), others offered to teach me how to put on makeup and give me their shoes which didn’t fit (but they bought anyways). It’s been pretty amazing overall, and I am really glad to be living in such a time that I can share this with my co-workers, and get such a good response.

While there are the few people who seemed to close off in the meeting, overall it has been positive. I can tell it will bring me closer to some of my co-workers. I’ve already had some people come to tell me stories related to their own experiences with crossdressers, transsexuals and such. It’s nice to know that just by sharing a little of my personal self, that others utilize that to bond with me. Having only a 2% social aspect to my personality, it’s somewhat odd for me, but it’s also very nice.

What has been really strange for me, is how much I’m noticing my spirits lift because of this transition. I don’t know that it’s necessarily just the freedom to express myself, but also a huge leap forward in my maturity and growth. It’s always been hard for me to speak my voice around others, and take what I want from situations, without guilting myself into putting everyone else’s wishes first. This is one of the first times I’ve truly grown a vagina and said “This is what I want, and it’s gonna happen!” and then follow through completely with it. I had no idea this was dragging me down so much, and only now that I am seeing what a change this is causing, do I see the effect it had.

I’m so very happy right now, and filled with such good feelings. My amazingly wonderful wife has been sooooooo supportive of this whole change, and I am so grateful for everything she’s done, and all the times she’s been there for me. Without her, I never would have started this process, and I’d still be in a less happy spot for it. Thank you Rhianna, you’re the best wife anyone could want!