Friday, May 4, 2012

Dia De Los Cumplenos!

Buenos Ding Dong Diddily Dias!

Its Cinco De Mayo (or, it will be tomorrow anyways)! I love Cinco De Mayo, cause it means everyone is getting drunk on tequila and corona for my birthday! So while you’re gorging yourself on tacos, nachos and watching some lucha libre, I’m turning one year older.

Well, one day older anyways. But it’s a good excuse to do something I haven’t done in too long, write!

As the years go on, I can’t help but feel amazingly blessed in life. At such a young age, I already have found a wonderful wife, and am raising a pair of great boys with her. I’ve managed to hold a good paying job at a stable company for almost 10 years now, without even having a degree. I not only own my own house, but I absolutely LOVE the house that I own. I get to make the art I want. I get to go to lots of cool festivals. I have the greatest friends a person could ask for.

And, sometimes I don’t feel like I really deserve it all. I don’t feel like I have done anything to achieve this. I don’t put forth tons of effort towards achieving goals. I basically “pulled a homer” and wound up lucky as hell ( I guess maintaining status quo is good enough for me to succeed. 

But, I can’t also help but wonder if my gratitude towards what I have makes me feel so lucky. I don’t have far reaching desires to be the head of a company, flying around the world in a jet-set lifestyle. I just want to come home at the end of the day, kiss my wife, hug my kids, and know that I don’t have any serious problems to worry about. So, my simple desires have led to an achievement of all my life goals. 

So here’s to many more years of great living! My life has been wonderful, and I’m glad to share it with all of you, because without people like my wife, kids, family and friends, my life wouldn’t be very enjoyable at all!

Now go do tequila shots until you black out!

These daft hands are pretty cool too!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Really, Cinnamon? Get some fucking drugs already . . .

Ok, so I’m gonna start off with one of the most cliché lines I can think of, regarding how I feel about the youth of today. I know it’s overused, and boy do I feel like an old man even saying anything like this, but it’s true.

I just don’t know about kids these days.

I don’t. Truly, I find myself baffled sometimes by the choices that are being made by the future of our society. I don’t claim that my generation was a group of geniuses making the best decisions possible, in fact I thought all my peers (myself included) were pretty retarded too. But now, I’m stuck feeling like the youth of today is, somehow, dumber than my generation.

I didn’t think that was even possible. My generation popularized the Gangsta Culture after all . . .

The reason I bring this up, is because of an article I read a recently. It talked about an activity, which is apparently a common thing for kids to be doing these days. The kids (mostly teenagers, I assume) are partaking in something called “The Cinnamon Challenge”. Basically, it involves eating a spoonful of cinnamon with no liquid to wash it down. Here’s a spoiler, it can’t be done.

Of course, when I was a kid there was the saltine challenge. It was a similar idea, but you put 5 saltines in your mouth at the same time and tried eating them, with no liquid. Eventually, you got a glass of water and admitted defeat. Then one of your friends would try to do it, and in the end, all that would happen is some dry mouths and crumbs on the carpet.

Apparently, this cinnamon challenge, will result in coughing, choking, gasping for breath and vomiting. It will also have the chance of damaging your throat, and a decent chance of death by inhaling the cinnamon. All that sounds as pleasant as you’d expect from putting a burning spice in your mouth, but then most kids are capturing video of their attempt, and posting on site like youtube, to spread the bad idea across the world. Even worse, parents are encouraging and helping their kids to do this!

(Side note: when I was a kid, we used to have Atomic Fireball and Warhead challenges, but I don’t ever recall gagging, choking or any sort of urgency or danger. I do remember not being able to taste anything for a week though.)

Now, it’s well documented that teenagers do some pretty stupid stuff. I know me and my friends were no exception to this rule. Our zipline, which consisted of some old rope and a short length of PVC pipe is one obvious example of how dumb we were. Another being our penchant for making things explode, or otherwise incinerate. Hell, I used to hop on a bicycle, and hurl myself down the sides of hills at high speed (40+ MPH), with zero safety gear. Obviously consequences were not something I, or my friends  considered.

Even through all that, I never felt like I was outright stupid though, just choosing to do stupid things. When we built the zipline, we inadvertently learned about construction, material life cycle, and to not be the first person trying out the new thing we ghetto-rigged together. Through our bomb making, we learned about safety, timing, material acquisition, and that it’s scary as hell to be the one who lights the bomb. I think from my downhill mountain biking, I only learned that it sucks to fall, but at least I was outside!

I think one important aspect to our stupidity, was learning new things. None of us really had much access to the internet, and there definitely weren’t sites like youtube or instructables around, so we had to go and learn everything ourselves, by doing. We had to experience it, we had to learn it, and we had to respect it, to get our joy and avoid the hospital. We didn’t have someone’s previous example to make us think it might be safe, we had to think and weigh the consequences ourselves. We even had to think of the stupid thing to do ourselves, as we didn’t have other stupid people showing us what stupid things we could do.

I guess I just see a change in the attitude towards doing something stupid. It seems so much more about finding a way to be seen, noticed and applauded for your stupidity than it is about doing that thing for the pleasure of it. How many people took the cinnamon challenge because they thought it would be fun? I’m guessing very few. But I’ll wager most of them did it because they knew it would get a laugh or two.
 Now, since I started out with a cliché line, I’m gonna end fairly cliché as well.

I place the blame for this squarely on the shoulders of the parents. Now, I’ll never win father of the year. In fact, I’m probably the last guy who should have kids. But I see so many parents who, after teaching things like ass wiping and how to watch 3 tv shows at the same time, just don’t take much involvement in their kid’s lives, at least, not in the development of their kids thinking skills.

Most kids seem to have learned that the most meaningless things, like watching a screen, are what you should spend the most time doing. From laptops, to computers, to the television, to mobile DVD players, to whatever else you can think of, we’re just teaching our kids to look for short distractions. Attention spans seem to be on the decline, and electronic addiction seems to be on the rise (not just for children). Is this really the direction we’re moving to? I hope not.  

That’s why this child gives me hope. I don’t see him partaking in the cinnamon challenge, but I do see great things for this child’s future. I can only hope that I can raise a child who has a similar imagination, and good drive to do what they want.

Enough rambling, I need to go spend some time with my kids, so they don’t end up hooked on cinnamon. 

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

An Apology to my Wife

You know, sometimes in life, we get so caught up in ourselves, we forget about those around us. Its so easy to think that your loved ones will speak up, or tell you their feelings unprompted, but that's rarely the case. They want us to be happy, and not to stand in the way of our happiness. Those people are very wonderful, and they deserve much gratitude. 

When I came out to my work that I was going to be wearing women's clothes, my wife was wonderful, accepting and very supportive. She definitely believed I should have that right, and was glad that I was making steps to be happy at work. 

Unfortunately, I was selfish in this whole situation. I did talk to her about it, but I never truly gave her the chance to voice her opinions and concerns. One of the biggest reasons she didn't have that opportunity, was that I did my transitioning at a very inconvenient time for us as a family. Her parents were staying with us at the time, waiting for everything to get squared away with their new home purchase. The house was cramped, there was always lots more work to be done, the children were being extra bratty cause they get away with more when grandma is around, and her parents were at a high stress level over the house purchase. Definitely a bad time to add gender expression transitions into the mix.

But yeah, this is basically to say that I was quite inconsiderate with when and how I did my transition. My wife deserves an apology for that, because her feelings are more important to me than I showed with my actions. Here is an apology I wrote up for her, but I'd like to share it with anyone who cares to read. 


You have always been there for me. Through the good times, and the bad, you have always been at my side. We’ve shared a lot together, and I know we will share a whole lot more. You support me in any way you can, and you let me be the person I am. I am very grateful to have you in my life.

I do want to apologize to you though. Sometimes, in feeling your support, I forget to really talk to you about your feelings, and for that I am sorry.

When I came out as a crossdresser, you were there for me, in all the steps. You supported me fully, even though you were hurting inside. You gave me some clues to your concern, and in my self-centeredness I did not see them. In my assumption of your full support, I did not take enough time to talk to you about your feelings, thoughts and concerns regarding my public transition. I chose a very bad time to do it, full of other stress and hardships in our life. I created an uncomfortable and stressful situation for both you, our family, and your parents who were staying with us at the time. It was not fair of me to create an uneasy household overall. I was very selfish and inconsiderate of you and your family in my transition, and I am sorry for that.

As we have talked, and discussed, and come to understand each other’s feelings regarding this part of me, I know that you are there for me 100%. I feel the love and support, and I’m sorry I didn’t give you what you deserved before I came out publicly to all our friends, family and acquaintances. If I could do it differently now, I would. But since I can’t do that, I can only tell you how sorry I am for not considering your feelings.

One thing, which I also wanted to say, is how proud I am of you for supporting me through all this. Having your husband turn out to be different than who you thought you knew when you got married isn't easy. It takes a lot of guts and courage to stand beside me in all this. While your own feelings on it are quite positive and accepting, I know that it also means taking on the stigma of being the crossdressers wife, and any judgements which come along with that. You are a wonderful person for all the love and support you give me as a whole person. 

I thank you for your continued understanding, support and love. I feel closer to you now than I ever have in our relationship, and that makes me very happy. I look forward to spending many years with you by my side.

Your Loving Husband,


Thursday, February 2, 2012

Living Life as I See Fit

Wow. So this is the new blog huh? Guess it was about time to get my own place. It’s kinda cozy in here.

So, today marks a new beginning for me, in more ways than just a new blog. I hadn’t really planned on it, but 2012 is becoming an incredibly transformative year for me. I’ve been working to take my marriage to new levels of connection, I’ve been working with my boss to improve my work performance, I have new toys to inspire me musically, I’ve got a new blog, and I’m starting to live my life more authentic than I had been. That’s pretty damn awesome!

Of course, you may be asking what about my life was not authentic?

Well, as you may or may not know, I’m transgendered. Specifically, I fall into the category of being a crossdresser, or perhaps just a gender-bender (insert futurama joke here). But, I’m not trying to put myself into a specific box. All that really matters is that I’m a guy, and I like to wear clothing intended for women.

This sets me in a bit of a strange land, mostly for others to accept. What I am doesn’t fall into any box, complete with expectations of gender and sex, which makes people nervous. Many people immediately assume it must mean I’m gay, (which it doesn’t). Many people also assume it means I want to be a woman, (which I don’t, aside from wearing the underwear, which as we discussed is strictly a comfort thing). I come from a place of fashion equality, where nothing is labeled as being for a man or a woman, and it’s all just clothes. Jesus wore a dress, I don’t see why I shouldn’t be allowed to.

Thankfully though, everything has been fairly easy for me so far. I recently talked to my boss, to let her know that I plan to be wearing women’s clothes as part of my normal wardrobe, and she was very supportive. I liked that she basically treated me as though nothing was any different, but still understood there will be challenges to face.

Next, I went around to my closer co-workers, and talked to them one-on-one about the changes which would be happening. For the most part, all were very supportive and happy I could bring something so personal to them. There were quite a few who already have people in their lives who are transgendered or transsexual, so it made it pretty easy. Even my closer guy friends here didn’t seem fazed by it at all. One girl (who I am very close with) asked the typical questions, like if I’m gay, still going to be married, and similar things.

Now, I just finished the process of meeting with everyone on my floor (50-60 in total), and explaining to them the changes. These have been the most nerve racking for me, as I don’t do well with public speaking. I don’t care about people knowing what I plan to do, but for some reason having to talk in front of a group is what gets me.

These meetings have been somewhat interesting. I’m glad the most conservative members of our group were in on the first meeting. My announcement definitely fell to dead ears there, and I’m not sure if they are just shocked, scared, uncomfortable, or something else altogether. Oh well, they are the group who I didn’t like much anyways, so if they never talk to me again, I’ll probably be happier for it.

But after that, the meetings improved quite a bit. My second meeting was very good, and was received much more positively, rather than indifferently. I even had the men telling me that I must have some HUGE balls to do something like this, and got lots of support from them. The women were equally (if not more) supportive of this. Some came over and just asked a few questions (which means a lot to me), others offered to teach me how to put on makeup and give me their shoes which didn’t fit (but they bought anyways). It’s been pretty amazing overall, and I am really glad to be living in such a time that I can share this with my co-workers, and get such a good response.

While there are the few people who seemed to close off in the meeting, overall it has been positive. I can tell it will bring me closer to some of my co-workers. I’ve already had some people come to tell me stories related to their own experiences with crossdressers, transsexuals and such. It’s nice to know that just by sharing a little of my personal self, that others utilize that to bond with me. Having only a 2% social aspect to my personality, it’s somewhat odd for me, but it’s also very nice.

What has been really strange for me, is how much I’m noticing my spirits lift because of this transition. I don’t know that it’s necessarily just the freedom to express myself, but also a huge leap forward in my maturity and growth. It’s always been hard for me to speak my voice around others, and take what I want from situations, without guilting myself into putting everyone else’s wishes first. This is one of the first times I’ve truly grown a vagina and said “This is what I want, and it’s gonna happen!” and then follow through completely with it. I had no idea this was dragging me down so much, and only now that I am seeing what a change this is causing, do I see the effect it had.

I’m so very happy right now, and filled with such good feelings. My amazingly wonderful wife has been sooooooo supportive of this whole change, and I am so grateful for everything she’s done, and all the times she’s been there for me. Without her, I never would have started this process, and I’d still be in a less happy spot for it. Thank you Rhianna, you’re the best wife anyone could want!