An Apology to my Wife

You know, sometimes in life, we get so caught up in ourselves, we forget about those around us. Its so easy to think that your loved ones will speak up, or tell you their feelings unprompted, but that's rarely the case. They want us to be happy, and not to stand in the way of our happiness. Those people are very wonderful, and they deserve much gratitude. 

When I came out to my work that I was going to be wearing women's clothes, my wife was wonderful, accepting and very supportive. She definitely believed I should have that right, and was glad that I was making steps to be happy at work. 

Unfortunately, I was selfish in this whole situation. I did talk to her about it, but I never truly gave her the chance to voice her opinions and concerns. One of the biggest reasons she didn't have that opportunity, was that I did my transitioning at a very inconvenient time for us as a family. Her parents were staying with us at the time, waiting for everything to get squared away with their new home purchase. The house was cramped, there was always lots more work to be done, the children were being extra bratty cause they get away with more when grandma is around, and her parents were at a high stress level over the house purchase. Definitely a bad time to add gender expression transitions into the mix.

But yeah, this is basically to say that I was quite inconsiderate with when and how I did my transition. My wife deserves an apology for that, because her feelings are more important to me than I showed with my actions. Here is an apology I wrote up for her, but I'd like to share it with anyone who cares to read. 

Rhianna,

You have always been there for me. Through the good times, and the bad, you have always been at my side. We’ve shared a lot together, and I know we will share a whole lot more. You support me in any way you can, and you let me be the person I am. I am very grateful to have you in my life.

I do want to apologize to you though. Sometimes, in feeling your support, I forget to really talk to you about your feelings, and for that I am sorry.

When I came out as a crossdresser, you were there for me, in all the steps. You supported me fully, even though you were hurting inside. You gave me some clues to your concern, and in my self-centeredness I did not see them. In my assumption of your full support, I did not take enough time to talk to you about your feelings, thoughts and concerns regarding my public transition. I chose a very bad time to do it, full of other stress and hardships in our life. I created an uncomfortable and stressful situation for both you, our family, and your parents who were staying with us at the time. It was not fair of me to create an uneasy household overall. I was very selfish and inconsiderate of you and your family in my transition, and I am sorry for that.

As we have talked, and discussed, and come to understand each other’s feelings regarding this part of me, I know that you are there for me 100%. I feel the love and support, and I’m sorry I didn’t give you what you deserved before I came out publicly to all our friends, family and acquaintances. If I could do it differently now, I would. But since I can’t do that, I can only tell you how sorry I am for not considering your feelings.

One thing, which I also wanted to say, is how proud I am of you for supporting me through all this. Having your husband turn out to be different than who you thought you knew when you got married isn't easy. It takes a lot of guts and courage to stand beside me in all this. While your own feelings on it are quite positive and accepting, I know that it also means taking on the stigma of being the crossdressers wife, and any judgements which come along with that. You are a wonderful person for all the love and support you give me as a whole person. 

I thank you for your continued understanding, support and love. I feel closer to you now than I ever have in our relationship, and that makes me very happy. I look forward to spending many years with you by my side.

Your Loving Husband,

Chris

Living Life as I See Fit

Wow. So this is the new blog huh? Guess it was about time to get my own place. It’s kinda cozy in here.

So, today marks a new beginning for me, in more ways than just a new blog. I hadn’t really planned on it, but 2012 is becoming an incredibly transformative year for me. I’ve been working to take my marriage to new levels of connection, I’ve been working with my boss to improve my work performance, I have new toys to inspire me musically, I’ve got a new blog, and I’m starting to live my life more authentic than I had been. That’s pretty damn awesome!

Of course, you may be asking what about my life was not authentic?

Well, as you may or may not know, I’m transgendered. Specifically, I fall into the category of being a crossdresser, or perhaps just a gender-bender (insert futurama joke here). But, I’m not trying to put myself into a specific box. All that really matters is that I’m a guy, and I like to wear clothing intended for women.

This sets me in a bit of a strange land, mostly for others to accept. What I am doesn’t fall into any box, complete with expectations of gender and sex, which makes people nervous. Many people immediately assume it must mean I’m gay, (which it doesn’t). Many people also assume it means I want to be a woman, (which I don’t, aside from wearing the underwear, which as we discussed is strictly a comfort thing). I come from a place of fashion equality, where nothing is labeled as being for a man or a woman, and it’s all just clothes. Jesus wore a dress, I don’t see why I shouldn’t be allowed to.

Thankfully though, everything has been fairly easy for me so far. I recently talked to my boss, to let her know that I plan to be wearing women’s clothes as part of my normal wardrobe, and she was very supportive. I liked that she basically treated me as though nothing was any different, but still understood there will be challenges to face.

Next, I went around to my closer co-workers, and talked to them one-on-one about the changes which would be happening. For the most part, all were very supportive and happy I could bring something so personal to them. There were quite a few who already have people in their lives who are transgendered or transsexual, so it made it pretty easy. Even my closer guy friends here didn’t seem fazed by it at all. One girl (who I am very close with) asked the typical questions, like if I’m gay, still going to be married, and similar things.

Now, I just finished the process of meeting with everyone on my floor (50-60 in total), and explaining to them the changes. These have been the most nerve racking for me, as I don’t do well with public speaking. I don’t care about people knowing what I plan to do, but for some reason having to talk in front of a group is what gets me.

These meetings have been somewhat interesting. I’m glad the most conservative members of our group were in on the first meeting. My announcement definitely fell to dead ears there, and I’m not sure if they are just shocked, scared, uncomfortable, or something else altogether. Oh well, they are the group who I didn’t like much anyways, so if they never talk to me again, I’ll probably be happier for it.

But after that, the meetings improved quite a bit. My second meeting was very good, and was received much more positively, rather than indifferently. I even had the men telling me that I must have some HUGE balls to do something like this, and got lots of support from them. The women were equally (if not more) supportive of this. Some came over and just asked a few questions (which means a lot to me), others offered to teach me how to put on makeup and give me their shoes which didn’t fit (but they bought anyways). It’s been pretty amazing overall, and I am really glad to be living in such a time that I can share this with my co-workers, and get such a good response.

While there are the few people who seemed to close off in the meeting, overall it has been positive. I can tell it will bring me closer to some of my co-workers. I’ve already had some people come to tell me stories related to their own experiences with crossdressers, transsexuals and such. It’s nice to know that just by sharing a little of my personal self, that others utilize that to bond with me. Having only a 2% social aspect to my personality, it’s somewhat odd for me, but it’s also very nice.

What has been really strange for me, is how much I’m noticing my spirits lift because of this transition. I don’t know that it’s necessarily just the freedom to express myself, but also a huge leap forward in my maturity and growth. It’s always been hard for me to speak my voice around others, and take what I want from situations, without guilting myself into putting everyone else’s wishes first. This is one of the first times I’ve truly grown a vagina and said “This is what I want, and it’s gonna happen!” and then follow through completely with it. I had no idea this was dragging me down so much, and only now that I am seeing what a change this is causing, do I see the effect it had.

I’m so very happy right now, and filled with such good feelings. My amazingly wonderful wife has been sooooooo supportive of this whole change, and I am so grateful for everything she’s done, and all the times she’s been there for me. Without her, I never would have started this process, and I’d still be in a less happy spot for it. Thank you Rhianna, you’re the best wife anyone could want!